Deacon Tom Anthony

REFLECTIONS OF AN INMATE

I recently had a conversation with an person who served many years behind bars whose name he wanted to remain confidential. He is not at MCI Concord but is part of an outreach program. I wanted to share it with you all so that you may have the privilege of understanding the thoughts and perceptions of some of the incarcerated who are seeking Our Lord Jesus Christ. Hopefully, through his thoughts and words, you can gain a better understanding of these Lost Sheep who many of us are called to minister to:

“In James 1: 2-8, he writes of trials and patience and wisdom, doubters, and double-mindedness. What really sticks out to me immediately is when James says, ‘ consider trials as times of joy.’ Most of my life I’ve considered hard times, or trials, as painful periods not joyous. Some examples of painful trials in my life have been incarcerations, homelessness, divorce, injury, and sickness and active addiction. None of these trials bring a memory of joy to mind. However, I never had a working faith to produce patience during these trials. Never had I been through a trial and completely and totally let go, surrendered, accepted God’s Will and trusted in him. Verse 4 says, ‘ patience’ will make me ‘perfect’ and ‘complete’ and ‘lacking nothing.’ James says my faith ‘gets tested’ and that this produces patience. So I understand that to mean I must first have faith to develop patience. Faith produces patience. I need a faith to gain patience!! I need to trust Jesus Christ is with me and is for me. I must rely on him to pray to him during these trials. How?? I must go where Kate and the Carmelite Nuns so graciously told me to go in their Advent Flyer. Under, “God is Love.”  To the deepest spot in my heart. Trust him!!!

I had a sponsor in AA who once explained to me believing in God and trusting in him is different. Like this: ‘ If you were to have witnessed a tight-rope walker cross the Niagra Falls on a wire, pushing a wheelbarrow, several times, you would naturally believe he could do it again. If you trusted him you would get in the wheelbarrow!!’ So how badly do I want to know Jesus? How badly do I want patience and joy? There was a period of time in my life when I was addicted to weight-lifting and using steroids. A “mantra,” of the crew I lifted with was, “How bad do you want it?” We would yell at each other. Isn’t knowing God more important, more energetic, than getting big pectorals? I haven’t shown that. So James writes in verses 22-26 to be a “doer” of my religion, not a “hearer only.” He writes “the hearer only” has a “useless religion.” This explains how faith produces patience also. So my faith is being tested now, here where I am in prison. Verses 13-14 tell me, although my faith is tested, God is not tempting me with evil, he never does. This is very important. As I am being tested in faith awaiting my fate, my penance, my amends, in a court of human law, God is not tempting me!

I believe otherwise most of my life, inaccurately asking myself  “Why God is tempting me with evil? This is a test from God.” Some examples in my life: I was six months clean from drugs, taking the Orange Line to work. My old crack dealer was on the same train, same car at the same time. Immediately, my desire for crack arose. He spoke with me and gave me a $50.00 piece of crack for free before he got off at his stop. I relapsed and never went to work. I blamed God! I was married and developed a roaming eye for other women. A woman I seen daily on my business route began flirting with me. I slept with her. Why would God tempt me? I blamed God. Well, verse 14 tells me, “I’m drawn away by my own desires.” GOD DOES NOT TEPT ME WITH EVIL!

So, going back to verse 5, James writes a promise from God! The scripture reads God will give me wisdom! I, my brothers, need wisdom! I am King of Bad Choices, King of Bad Decisions, King of Self-Doubt. The promise does have a condition. Verse 6: “Let him ask in faith with no doubting.”  Because, “he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, tossed by the wind.” I have periods of my life best described as a wave tossed by the wind. Because I have no working faith. I was double-minded! My God was on speed dial 911! God get me out of this! God help me!  That got me nothing. I must be a doer! Not a “hear only” or my religion is useless! Verses 23-24 he writes of not forgetting who I see in the mirror when I walk away. It reminds me of going to church on Sunday and never praying all week. It reminds me of being a sinner and not confessing my sins. Do I really believe Jesus came to die for my sins?

Do I really believe in his promise of salvation? I have no excuse not to repent. To practice change. To be a “doer.” The “doer” is blessed. The hearer “deceives his own heart.” I don’t want a useless religion.

GOD BLESS US ALL!.”